December 11, 2019
"Some people are meant to stay in your heart but not in your life." Niharika
Very few people have ever been able to understand what I go through on this day of the year, year after year. The only ones who truly can have been perfect strangers who had the same experience happen to them. Today is my daughter’s birthday, yet I don’t know if she is celebrating, if she is alone, or if I’m even a fleeting thought as her birth mother. The night she was born is forever etched in my memory. We both nearly died, her from being so small at 2 pounds 2 ounces and me from an already weakened state of kidney failure. We were separated almost immediately and sent to two different hospitals to be treated. I look at that now with a deeper insight as a metaphor of what was to happen to us later in life.
The last time I saw her she was upset with me. I had made some decisions that she did not agree with and when I drove her home to her father’s house there was an energy that I could not describe but it felt so heavy and my heart was breaking as I hugged her goodbye. That was the last time I saw her, 25 years ago. I have honored her wishes to not contact her. All I can do is love her from a distance and lift her up in prayer.
As the mother of an estranged child, it is difficult when someone asks if I have children or when holidays are celebrated. I am not the only person to experience this and I try to be sensitive to others who do not discuss being a parent. Just a suggestion if you have never thought about it, instead of asking “do you have children” you might listen for the person to share that part of their life with you. Most parents who have a healthy relationship with their children usually mention them. Until a few years ago I could not discuss my daughter without going to a very deep place. I have come to understand now that she made the choice and I have to honor it, as much as it hurts, as much as I want her to heal her wounds. It is her character in her movie of life. I am not the director. I am on the sidelines praying for a good ending to the story.
If you love someone, let them know. Life is way too short not to and can sometimes take a 180 degree turn without warning. I love you my baby girl. I want only the best for you in life. May you always be surrounded by angels.