This week, amidst all the busyness of life, there have been moments of remembering the past year and all that transpired with my journey through the fiery health challenges and subsequent transformation. Grief is a strange thing. There are moments when emotions rise to the surface as specific dates arrive or memories pop up. The anniversary of losing my precious Taz one year ago was coupled with the date I sat in the doctor’s office and heard him say “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
I have an arsenal of tools that are at my disposal to use in situations like this. I KNOW what to do and I feel I do a great job of keeping it together through the tough times. It’s the sucker punches, like a picture popping up or coming across an item that held meaning, that make me stop and be with those emotions. They are not bad nor are they good; they just are. Sometimes the emotions are just as strong as they were a year ago and I love them for being there while at the same time ask them to let me breathe. As I wait to exhale, I hold an image in my mind and think of joyful times, of warmth and love. The release finally comes and my mind and body relax.
As I sat in the doctor’s office this morning and watched as the blood was being drawn out of my vein, I once again was triggered. It was on this day a year ago that I found out for certain that I was dealing with cancer, that it was something that had to be treated, and that I had a long road ahead of me to take care of it. The labs today will show whether it is resolved and I am trusting that it is, although my mind tries to play games with what if. I am choosing to listen to my gut and my guides and keep my faith strong. I’ll play the what if game but I’ll play it my way. What if I am in perfect health … what if my lab work confirms what I believe to be true … what if there is nothing to be concerned about. That is how I am choosing to live my life – not in fear but in faith and love. Fear and love cannot reside in one place at the same time. I love my life, all the experiences, all the challenges, and all the rewards of every one of those things! Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said “It's true that there are only two primary emotions, love and fear. But it's more accurate to say that there is only love or fear, for we cannot feel these two emotions together, at exactly the same time.”